S_H_A_I_K_H (the_shaikh) wrote,
S_H_A_I_K_H
the_shaikh

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so this is what it feels like to have your heart ripped from your chest

there comes a time in everyone's life when you just feel stupid. this is one of those times. i guess it wouldn't be so bad if i didn't know. but i do know. and it's the knowing that hurts. it's the knowing that makes it unbearable. the stupidity is sinking in. how could i not know? i guess it was one of those times when you wish for something so bad and you can almost taste it but then realize you can never have it because there are fundamental differences which in the end would be too great to conquer. am i flipping out? yes. but i won't let the stupidity make me stupid.

But the quicker that things unfold
The quicker that they subside

i need to take a step back. maybe a few steps back. taking deep breaths and counting don't help. maybe my downfall is that i'm too calm about everything. maybe i've been holding onto a ghost of pleasant memories. feelings are really hard to fight and i guess i'm just really good at acting. i'm sick of lying to myself. i'm sick of forgiving people. i hate the new me. i want my old life back. back when i was bitter and cold, never letting anyone control me. it's the control that hurts. and that's exactly what i'm taking back. don't expect me to be mr. niceguy anymore.  no more mr. brightside. i'll never turn down a friend and i'll never burn a bridge, but if you cross me twice, there won't be a chance for a third.

Live. Love. Burn. Die.

an outline of my life. so what does this mean? it means i have to draw the line somewhere. i never thought i would have to. i never thought i would force someone to make a decision. but now i'm forced to make a decision. and there is no way i could live with myself if i didn't. it all ends when your weakness takes the last bit of energy from you. i feel like superman..lying on a bed of kryptonite.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So
Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing Gold can stay.

i forget everything. not because it just happens, but because it has to happen. our memories only bring about false comforts, joys and sorrows. why would anyone want memories? i want the real thing. and i want it all the time. everything in this life is material. lost your cell phone? buy a new one. dog dies? buy a new one. lost your arm? get a prosthetic. die? no one will remember you anyway. now isn't that depressing? and that sad part is that it's true. we think about the ones we lost occasionally. and when we do think about them, we get sad. so why remember them? why feel sad? there isn't anything you can do to change it, make them come back. the answer: forget.

There's no use in weeping,
Though we are condemned to part:
There's such a thing as keeping
A remembrance in one's heart...

i've said this many times and it's only been three months. twenty has been the best year of my life. i've never felt my mind grow before. i've never cared so much and so little at the same time. i've never felt so stupid in my life. i've never fully appreciated the trust of a stranger before. twenty has taken me places that i've never been before. when i woke up twenty i knew that my life would be different, i knew it would be special. and i guess if i had to make a line graph of my life, twenty would be the inflection point. twenty is now. and now is where i'll be.  twenty is the top of the crescendo in the song of my life.

I'm not a hero, I'm not a savior, forget what you know
I'm just a man who's circumstances went beyond his control
Beyond my control, We all need control
I need control, We all need control

this is my last entry.  the last time i'll put my feelings on display.  it's been a blast.  i never thought i'd regress from using technology, but i'm going back to the marble composition book.  just never say that i didn't say goodbye.  enjoy some baked goods, grab a cup of your favorite warm beverage, close your eyes and blast this song.  and if you care to know what he’s saying:

colors blur at sixty miles per hour and i can almost see your smile a rose lies on the snow and i would love for you to be happy just not with him i didn't want you to see me walking on my own {and as he makes you blush the life drains from my face please don't forget my ghost while you smile} i didn't want you to see it coming home please think of me when you bite your lip i didn't want you to see all you did to me when i left walking all alone i didn't want you to feel the beating of my heart as you held it wet in front of your eyes the lipstick on your face has turned a shade of gray and i'm liking it and as he makes you blush i hope you realize everything you've thrown away to satisfy desire the life drains from your face to match up all the grays and its scaring me and when you say his name i hope you fight to close your mouth to keep mine from escaping it.

goodbye.  goodbye.  a thousand times goodbye.
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